The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
