remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
