She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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