eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
