I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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