All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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