I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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