Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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