Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
