Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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