3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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