Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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