I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
