I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
