I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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