she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
