it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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