I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
