dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
