If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
