I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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