I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
