I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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