I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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