I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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