i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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