Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
