if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
