I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
