I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
