I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
