life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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