you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
