I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
