Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
