I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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