life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
