Nicole vs. Life
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
