I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
