Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
