you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
