She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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