You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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