You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
