I can text with my tongue
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
