He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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