Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
