I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
