If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
