what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
