I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
